COMMUNICATION LESSON 4: According to men and women…

COMMUNICATION LESSON 4: According to men and women…

I asked two men and two women the following four questions:

  1. Is communication important in your relationship? If so, why or why not?2. How do you communicate?
  2. How do you communicate?
  3. What is your love language?
  4. How often do you and your partner communication during the week?

Let’s see what they said.

Question 1: Is communication important in your relationship? If so, why or why not?

Man #1 (married)

Yes, number one important thing in a relationship. If you are communicating no one gets to assume anything and it’s healthier.

Man #2  (in a relationship)

Yes, because it keeps the relationship alive.

Woman #1 (married)

YES, it is important because it allows you to focus on the children and the relationship. You can duplicate things when you don’t communicate with one another. Communication makes the relationship stronger and builds your marriage.

Woman #2 (in a relationship)

Yes, if you can’t communicate you don’t know where your partner is. Communication lets the other person know what you like and what you don’t like. Without communication, it doesn’t allow the relationship to be successful.

Question 2: How do you communicate?

Man #1 (married)

I say exactly what I feel. Sometimes, it backfires. If I hold onto how I feel it will come out in my behavior which can be in a bad way.

Man #2  (in a relationship)

I communicate to see how my girlfriend is doing and to see if I can do anything to make her day easier.

Woman #1 (married)

I keep my husband informed with the children. In the past, I used to think independently and not always communicate with my husband. Over the years my communication has gotten better with my husband.

Woman #2 (in a relationship)

A majority of my communication is in the moment and it’s emotionally driven.

Question 3: What is your love language?

Man #1 (married)

Physical touch

Man #2  (in a relationship)

Words of Affirmation

Woman #1 (married)

Quality time

Woman #2 in a relationship

Acts of Service

How often do you and your partner communication during the week?

Man #1 (married)

once a week

Man #2  (in a relationship)

3 times a day

Woman #1 (married)

When we are on good terms several times a day and when there is tension: limited communication

Woman #2 (in a relationship)

Daily and throughout the day

What does this show?

Overall, the responses indicate how important communication is in a relationship. If you
are interested in knowing more about the 5 love languages check out our blog on “What
about the 5 love languages? Which one is your primary love language.”

Stay tuned as we continue to discuss communication in relationships in our next blog.

-Requina

COMMUNICATION LESSON 3: What is your love language?

COMMUNICATION LESSON 3: What is your love language?

Do you know what your primary love language is?

Dr. Gary Chapman describes the 5 love languages in his book: “The 5 love languages”

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

Which one is your primary love language?

  • Do you like when people say words to you and you feel loved by the words (ex. I love you)?
  • Is it spending time with you partner? Maybe a Netflix and Chill or maybe not because we know what the outcome that comes from that.
  • Is it when you receive a nice gift or your favorite item (ex. a nice watch, a bag)?
  • Or do you prefer when your partner acts in a way to show you how much they love you (ex.
    Cook you a meal)?
  • Is it physical touch, receiving hugs or from your partner?
Dr. Chapman talks about identifying what your love language is and knowing your partners love language.

My love language might be Acts of Service (aka I feel loved when my partner does an act like wash my car for me.) But I need to know my partner’s love language and not assume because my love language is Acts of Service than it must be his love language too.

I highly recommended the 5 love languages book. If you are up for it, reading the book with your partner is a great conversation starter.

Then, once you both communicate what your primary love language is, decide
how to be more aware of providing your partner with their primary love language.

Now, it’s time to put it to practice.

Check out the 5 love languages to take the quiz.

-Requina

COMMUNICATION LESSON 2: Do’s and Think Abouts

COMMUNICATION LESSON 2: Do’s and Think Abouts

Communication do’s and you might want to think about (don’ts)!

Do’s

  1. Communicate
  2. Learn what your communication style is
  3. Share your communication style with your partner
  4. Listen to your partner before responding
  5.  Allow time/space to communicate with your partner regularly (daily and weekly)

You might want to think about (Don’ts)

  1. Avoid communicating
  2. Communicate and not understand what you want from the conversation
  3. Assume your way of communicating is the “right way” and/ or “only way.”
  4. Think you are the only one who has something to offer (say)
  5. Refuse to make time/space for communication with your partner

Every relationship has its own dynamics. However, when it comes to communication you can
trace back every decision, conflict or vacation planned, happened due to communication. Either
good communication, miscommunication or no communication.

Take a second and think about the last 6 months, if you and your partner made a decision or had a conflict what was the outcome? And how much did communication have to do with the outcome?

– Requina

Communication Lesson 1: Are we really talking?

Communication Lesson 1: Are we really talking?

What is communication anyway?

As defined by Merriam Webster dictionary communication is “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs or behavior.”

Why is communication important in relationships?

If there is no communication, it is hard for your partner to know what you are thinking, feeling and why you are reacting the way you are.

This blog is meant to bring one of the main ingredients to a healthy long-term relationship.

With the idea that our partner doesn’t know what we think unless we share with them.

Our partner doesn’t know how we feel unless we tell them. Our partner doesn’t know
why we are reacting to an experience unless we let them into why.

I have been guilty to all of the above.

Saying to myself that my partner should know what I am thinking because he knows me, saying my partner should know how I am feeling because he sees I am upset or he should know why I am reacting this way because we have been together X amount of years.

These are all misconceptions I have made. Throughout a relationship there are different
celebrations, stressors, losses and challenges that occur and communication can decrease
conflict during each situation.

As the years go by in a relationship, we have to be aware of communicating consistently and being careful with falling into routine communication with our partners. Another way of looking at

Another way of looking at communication is asking yourself, “did I give my partner a hug today?”

– Requina

 

Healing together or healing alone

Healing together or healing alone

It’s Me and You = We

  • COMMUNICATION
  • SUPPORT
  • UNDERSTANDING
  • AVAILABLE
  • EMPATHY
  • NO ONE IS WRONG
  • WORKING TOGETHER
  • LISTENING
  • APPRECIATION

It’s Me and Me = Me

  • NO COMMUNICATION
  • LACK OF SUPPORT
  • MINIMAL UNDERSTANDING
  • UNAVAILABLE
  • NO EMPATHY
  • YOU’RE THE PROBLEM
  • YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN
  • NO TIME TO LISTEN
  • UNAPPRECIATION

As you can see: the differences when a person and their partner are healing together and feels fully supported versus when a person feels alone in their healing process.

This is critical for people in relationships to understanding because when a person is doing their healing work they will go through a lot of changes mentally and emotionally. If both people in the relationship are doing their healing work and are in it together some of the changes will be expected and understood.

However, if one person is doing their healing work and their partner is not in it with them and has no time to acknowledge their partner’s healing process. It tends to be a very different outcome for each individual in the relationship and each individual. The person doing their healing work and the partner not doing their healing work can create distance and disconnect versus if you are in the healing process together it can create closeness and connection.

Understanding togetherness vs. separation tends to be important for both partners. There is always room for changes and adjustments to be made if there is a separation. Both people have to be invested in making the adjustments.

Taking the time to work on oneself and not project onto others can be a hard adjustment to make. It can also be an adjustment that is MORE THAN WORTH IT!

DOES NOT SIGNING ON MEAN YOU ARE SIGNING OFF OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

DOES NOT SIGNING ON MEAN YOU ARE SIGNING OFF OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Have you ever thought of the possibility of not signing on means you are signing off of the relationship?

What role do you play when your partner makes a decision to heal?

The partner not taking part in the healing has been put into a role.

The role can be a supporter, an encourager, an ally or an opponent (just to name a few.) The partner who enters into healing will benefit from a support system that understands they are going through a process.

Back to the relationship itself, does the partner not in treatment have to understand what healing is taking place?

Must they be curious about their partner’s work? Does it matter?

Or can they sign off and continue to stay in the original rhythm of the relationship and not be aware of what is occurring?

If your partner doesn’t understand the importance of your healing (and their own) and watches you as a bystander, the relationship will suffer.

The relationship dynamics can start to feel like you are alone. This creates a “me”- mind frame and can feel like your partner is against you. Therefore, you are indirectly signing off of the relationship and the constant adjustments and attention needed to continue to grow as a couple.

There have been situations where one of the partners goes into treatment to appease their partner. Which in turn is not always beneficial because the priority becomes the partner versus their own healing process. When you or your partner are in treatment think about how the healing process is influencing the relationship as a unit.

Bottom line:

Think about how the healing process is influencing the relationship as a unit, whether you are in treatment, your partner is in treatment or you both are on your healing journeys.

 

8 WAYS TO STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR HEALING PROCESS WHEN YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP

8 WAYS TO STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR HEALING PROCESS WHEN YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP

  1. Start the healing process
  2. Be consistent (weekly or bi-weekly)
  3. Stay focused
  4. Show up ready to do the work
  5. Have supportive people around you
  6. Know that it can be unfamiliar at times
  7. Develop new patterns and habits
  8. Implement new patterns and habits

Bonus:

Continue the journey. When you start to feel better that’s not a sign that your healing process is over. Healing is an ongoing journey.

HEALING WHILE YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS POSSIBLE

HEALING WHILE YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS POSSIBLE

From my experience, it is possible to heal when you are in a relationship.

What makes healing while you’re in a relationship possible

There are 3 questions you have to ask yourself:

  1. Am I ready to heal?
  2. Is my partner on board with my healing?
  3. Will I stay focused on my healing process?

Am I ready to heal?

Have you reached a point where you are ready to unload and release some of your layers? Do you want to understand your behaviors, your patterns, and relationships with yourself and others?

Healing opens your mental, emotional and physical body to experience you and your relationships from a different lens. You need to ask yourself, truly, am I ready?

Is my partner on board with my healing?

Can my partner understand I am working through my process? Is my partner available to support me through my healing?

When one partner starts to heal there are going to be some changes in the relationship. The partner who has decided to heal has to be aware of these changes and so does the partner. How can your partner get on board? They can act in a supportive role on your journey or they can engage in his/her own healing journey.

Will I stay focused on my healing process?

Am I going to prioritize my healing process? Am I going to be consistent and stay on the journey even when it’s uncomfortable and challenging?

When you begin your healing process there may be many distractions that come to your attention. It is at that time that you have to decide if you want to stay focused or be distracted.

Discovering your whole package

Discovering your whole package

Saying “I LOVE YOU” To You:

When is the last time you told yourself in the mirror “I LOVE YOU?” This month we have been focusing on women and the relationship with themselves and relationships with others. Has anyone you loved said “I LOVE YOU” to you recently?  How did those words make you feel? Imagine if you told yourself those same exact words.

I want you to try this exercise: Saying 10 times what you LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF

  1. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  2. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  3. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  4. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  5. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  6. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  7. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  8. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  9. I LOVE YOU because you …….
  10. I LOVE YOU because you …….

What were your responses? Take note these are the qualities that are part of your package. YES!! You are lovable and you deserve to acknowledge what you love about yourself. By doing this not only do you speak it to yourself, you increase your ability to tell someone else.

For example, you order a package on-line with multiple items and there is a free gift (a surprise). When you get that package you will dig through it noticing the items. However, really looking for that free gift (surprise). You, darling, are the surprise. Your package is made up of many items and you are the gift. No one can convince you of this gift; you have to know for yourself. Let me know what are some items that are in your package.

Are you curious about your inside beauty?

Are you curious about your inside beauty?

Women, we have to learn to start with self first before everything else.

Have you ever looked so good on the outside- your hair was done, your outfit was fabulous, your nails were done, however, internally you felt HORRIBLE? Feeling somewhat confused about what was going on with you because your external presentation and your internal feelings were not matching up.

Yes, I know what that feels like, I have had many of those days, which have influenced me to write this blog about self-love and INSIDE BEAUTY. When our looks change over the years through experiences, all we have left is our inner beauty.

Imagine if you were able to look at someone’s inside map and decide if you wanted to proceed with a friendship or relationship and vice versa, someone would be able to check out your inside map before they decided to interact with you.

Within all of us, we have our own special beauty. The question is: do you know what your inside beauty looks like presently?

Some of the societal messages we have adopted are about external beauty and external beauty only, which is very misleading. Yes, we can look good and yes we can fool ourselves. Though, when you are sitting alone by yourself without anyone or anything to distract you, that’s when the real evaluation of your inside beauty comes to the surface.

Is this space too uncomfortable for you to sit in?

If so, it might be time for you to start to get to know yourself without all of the external possessions and influences.

When you take the time to get to know what beauty resides within you, there will probably be some surprises. You will learn more about yourself than you thought. Today, is all about YOU, WHO ARE YOU and HOW DID YOU get there? Spend some time to discover what this question means to you. You may discover the more time you spend appreciating and loving yourself that you are an outstanding person without all of the extras.

In the end, though, it is amazing to see what you can do when you take the time to get to know your inside beauty. We all have it.

Will you decide to take the time to get to know what your inside beauty looks like? It’s up to you, woman-friend!