VALUES LESSON 4: Vision, Alignment, Life, You and Me, Experience

VALUES LESSON 4: Vision, Alignment, Life, You and Me, Experience

Vison-what is the vision of our lives together.

Alignment- are we both on the same page about what you want.

Life-what choices and decisions are you/we going to make to enhance your relationship

U and I- you and me= we. Us being in this relationship together and enjoying the partnership we create.

Experience- what do we want to explore together.

Let’s recap

Vision as a couple: where do you both want to go in life. Do you know your partner’s vision for themselves and the relationship?

Then there is Alignment. Do you communicate with each other? Do you feel connected to each on multiple levels (emotionally, mentally, physically and financially)?

Life- decision-making in a relationship: how are you and your partner making a decision together as a team. What decisions are you in agreement with and what decisions are you not in agreement with. How do you compromise with one another?

You (U) and your partner creating memories with one another, participating in activities or hobbies that you both enjoy.

Experience- what type of life and lifestyle do you both want? Have open dialogues about this in the beginning and revising it throughout the relationship, we change and grow in relationships.

Learning more about each other’s values can be a fun conversation. The way you vision and communicate your values at the beginning of the relationship may have changed as you grow you may have more clarity, more knowledge, and more experiences.

Always value your values. They are part of what you think you deserve and how you create the life you want for yourself and your partner.

VALUES LESSON 3: Which team are you on?

VALUES LESSON 3: Which team are you on?

TEAM KNOWING  YOUR PARTNER’S VALUES

Knowing Values =
  • Shared experiences
  • Understanding what’s important
  • Clear expectations Working as a team
  • Ability to make decisions
  • Not taking things personally
  • In alignment

TEAM NOT KNOWING YOUR PARTNER’S VALUES

Not knowing values=
  • Assumed experiences
  • Making decisions that might throw the relationship off course
  • Unclear expectations
  • Not knowing what’s important to your partner
VALUES LESSON 2: 10 hidden benefits of knowing your partner’s values

VALUES LESSON 2: 10 hidden benefits of knowing your partner’s values

10 HIDDEN BENEFITS ABOUT KNOWING YOUR PARTNER’S VALUES:10 HIDDEN BENEFITS ABOUT KNOWING YOUR PARTNER’S VALUES:
1. Realizing you have similar values
2. Being introduced to new values you want to incorporate into your life
3. Participating in activities that support your values
4. Building towards strengthening your values together
5. Making decisions based on of your values
6. Having respect for each others values
7. Communicating about experiences that embrace your values
8. Understanding what is important to each other and why
9. A glimpse into how your partner was raised and how they have adopted certain values
10. Being on the same page more often than not on the same page

There you have it Strength, Inc.’s  10 HIDDEN BENEFITS OF KNOWING YOUR PARTNER’S VALUES.  There are always opportunities to have a discussion about values when you are getting to know someone.  It will help in the long run to have this conversation in advance to avoid any confusion down the road.

Requina

VALUES LESSON 1: Let’s talk about the good stuff

VALUES LESSON 1: Let’s talk about the good stuff

Let’s talk about the good stuff- VALUES

Values in a relationship.

Is this a discussion you have early in the relationship, after you have chosen to already start dating or when you are getting married?

I would suggest that having a discussion about values can give you some useful information about a person.

This is useful information that can add to the decision if you want to proceed with a relationship with a person.

Why even consider talking about values and is it really important?

YES, YES and YES.

Core values create the foundation of a relationship.

Have you heard the statement such as make sure you see what type of relationship he has with his mother or make sure you see what type of relationship she has with her father? That stems from a message around values. Insinuating if the person has “good” family values or the ability to have a healthy relationship with a person of the opposite sex.

If family is one of your core values this may be an area that is noticed. Now, are there circumstances to every family dynamic? Yes. It wouldn’t be fair to not give someone a chance based on them not having a close/healthy relationship with their opposite-sex parent. It is something you will have to pay attention to during the dating phase of a relationship.

Another common value is finances.

What are your financial habits and what are your partner’s financial habits? This is where a conversation about the idea of what type of bank accounts you expect to have, your money language (my money, your money or our money).

Another values area could be family. Do you want children, does your partner want children? If, so how many children and when? This is another values area for couples to discuss in relationships during the dating phase. I have observed relationships where the man wants children and the woman isn’t ready or the women wants children and the man isn’t ready. This can create conflict amongst the couple because the values and expectations were not clearly communicated. This in turn affects the quality of the relationship.

Values are an area that could be considered a prerequisite to continuing or deciding to continue a relationship with a partner.

COMMUNICATION LESSON 4: According to men and women…

COMMUNICATION LESSON 4: According to men and women…

I asked two men and two women the following four questions:

  1. Is communication important in your relationship? If so, why or why not?2. How do you communicate?
  2. How do you communicate?
  3. What is your love language?
  4. How often do you and your partner communication during the week?

Let’s see what they said.

Question 1: Is communication important in your relationship? If so, why or why not?

Man #1 (married)

Yes, number one important thing in a relationship. If you are communicating no one gets to assume anything and it’s healthier.

Man #2  (in a relationship)

Yes, because it keeps the relationship alive.

Woman #1 (married)

YES, it is important because it allows you to focus on the children and the relationship. You can duplicate things when you don’t communicate with one another. Communication makes the relationship stronger and builds your marriage.

Woman #2 (in a relationship)

Yes, if you can’t communicate you don’t know where your partner is. Communication lets the other person know what you like and what you don’t like. Without communication, it doesn’t allow the relationship to be successful.

Question 2: How do you communicate?

Man #1 (married)

I say exactly what I feel. Sometimes, it backfires. If I hold onto how I feel it will come out in my behavior which can be in a bad way.

Man #2  (in a relationship)

I communicate to see how my girlfriend is doing and to see if I can do anything to make her day easier.

Woman #1 (married)

I keep my husband informed with the children. In the past, I used to think independently and not always communicate with my husband. Over the years my communication has gotten better with my husband.

Woman #2 (in a relationship)

A majority of my communication is in the moment and it’s emotionally driven.

Question 3: What is your love language?

Man #1 (married)

Physical touch

Man #2  (in a relationship)

Words of Affirmation

Woman #1 (married)

Quality time

Woman #2 in a relationship

Acts of Service

How often do you and your partner communication during the week?

Man #1 (married)

once a week

Man #2  (in a relationship)

3 times a day

Woman #1 (married)

When we are on good terms several times a day and when there is tension: limited communication

Woman #2 (in a relationship)

Daily and throughout the day

What does this show?

Overall, the responses indicate how important communication is in a relationship. If you
are interested in knowing more about the 5 love languages check out our blog on “What
about the 5 love languages? Which one is your primary love language.”

Stay tuned as we continue to discuss communication in relationships in our next blog.

-Requina

COMMUNICATION LESSON 3: What is your love language?

COMMUNICATION LESSON 3: What is your love language?

Do you know what your primary love language is?

Dr. Gary Chapman describes the 5 love languages in his book: “The 5 love languages”

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

Which one is your primary love language?

  • Do you like when people say words to you and you feel loved by the words (ex. I love you)?
  • Is it spending time with you partner? Maybe a Netflix and Chill or maybe not because we know what the outcome that comes from that.
  • Is it when you receive a nice gift or your favorite item (ex. a nice watch, a bag)?
  • Or do you prefer when your partner acts in a way to show you how much they love you (ex.
    Cook you a meal)?
  • Is it physical touch, receiving hugs or from your partner?
Dr. Chapman talks about identifying what your love language is and knowing your partners love language.

My love language might be Acts of Service (aka I feel loved when my partner does an act like wash my car for me.) But I need to know my partner’s love language and not assume because my love language is Acts of Service than it must be his love language too.

I highly recommended the 5 love languages book. If you are up for it, reading the book with your partner is a great conversation starter.

Then, once you both communicate what your primary love language is, decide
how to be more aware of providing your partner with their primary love language.

Now, it’s time to put it to practice.

Check out the 5 love languages to take the quiz.

-Requina

COMMUNICATION LESSON 2: Do’s and Think Abouts

COMMUNICATION LESSON 2: Do’s and Think Abouts

Communication do’s and you might want to think about (don’ts)!

Do’s

  1. Communicate
  2. Learn what your communication style is
  3. Share your communication style with your partner
  4. Listen to your partner before responding
  5.  Allow time/space to communicate with your partner regularly (daily and weekly)

You might want to think about (Don’ts)

  1. Avoid communicating
  2. Communicate and not understand what you want from the conversation
  3. Assume your way of communicating is the “right way” and/ or “only way.”
  4. Think you are the only one who has something to offer (say)
  5. Refuse to make time/space for communication with your partner

Every relationship has its own dynamics. However, when it comes to communication you can
trace back every decision, conflict or vacation planned, happened due to communication. Either
good communication, miscommunication or no communication.

Take a second and think about the last 6 months, if you and your partner made a decision or had a conflict what was the outcome? And how much did communication have to do with the outcome?

– Requina

Communication Lesson 1: Are we really talking?

Communication Lesson 1: Are we really talking?

What is communication anyway?

As defined by Merriam Webster dictionary communication is “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs or behavior.”

Why is communication important in relationships?

If there is no communication, it is hard for your partner to know what you are thinking, feeling and why you are reacting the way you are.

This blog is meant to bring one of the main ingredients to a healthy long-term relationship.

With the idea that our partner doesn’t know what we think unless we share with them.

Our partner doesn’t know how we feel unless we tell them. Our partner doesn’t know
why we are reacting to an experience unless we let them into why.

I have been guilty to all of the above.

Saying to myself that my partner should know what I am thinking because he knows me, saying my partner should know how I am feeling because he sees I am upset or he should know why I am reacting this way because we have been together X amount of years.

These are all misconceptions I have made. Throughout a relationship there are different
celebrations, stressors, losses and challenges that occur and communication can decrease
conflict during each situation.

As the years go by in a relationship, we have to be aware of communicating consistently and being careful with falling into routine communication with our partners. Another way of looking at

Another way of looking at communication is asking yourself, “did I give my partner a hug today?”

– Requina

 

Healing together or healing alone

Healing together or healing alone

It’s Me and You = We

  • COMMUNICATION
  • SUPPORT
  • UNDERSTANDING
  • AVAILABLE
  • EMPATHY
  • NO ONE IS WRONG
  • WORKING TOGETHER
  • LISTENING
  • APPRECIATION

It’s Me and Me = Me

  • NO COMMUNICATION
  • LACK OF SUPPORT
  • MINIMAL UNDERSTANDING
  • UNAVAILABLE
  • NO EMPATHY
  • YOU’RE THE PROBLEM
  • YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN
  • NO TIME TO LISTEN
  • UNAPPRECIATION

As you can see: the differences when a person and their partner are healing together and feels fully supported versus when a person feels alone in their healing process.

This is critical for people in relationships to understanding because when a person is doing their healing work they will go through a lot of changes mentally and emotionally. If both people in the relationship are doing their healing work and are in it together some of the changes will be expected and understood.

However, if one person is doing their healing work and their partner is not in it with them and has no time to acknowledge their partner’s healing process. It tends to be a very different outcome for each individual in the relationship and each individual. The person doing their healing work and the partner not doing their healing work can create distance and disconnect versus if you are in the healing process together it can create closeness and connection.

Understanding togetherness vs. separation tends to be important for both partners. There is always room for changes and adjustments to be made if there is a separation. Both people have to be invested in making the adjustments.

Taking the time to work on oneself and not project onto others can be a hard adjustment to make. It can also be an adjustment that is MORE THAN WORTH IT!

DOES NOT SIGNING ON MEAN YOU ARE SIGNING OFF OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

DOES NOT SIGNING ON MEAN YOU ARE SIGNING OFF OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Have you ever thought of the possibility of not signing on means you are signing off of the relationship?

What role do you play when your partner makes a decision to heal?

The partner not taking part in the healing has been put into a role.

The role can be a supporter, an encourager, an ally or an opponent (just to name a few.) The partner who enters into healing will benefit from a support system that understands they are going through a process.

Back to the relationship itself, does the partner not in treatment have to understand what healing is taking place?

Must they be curious about their partner’s work? Does it matter?

Or can they sign off and continue to stay in the original rhythm of the relationship and not be aware of what is occurring?

If your partner doesn’t understand the importance of your healing (and their own) and watches you as a bystander, the relationship will suffer.

The relationship dynamics can start to feel like you are alone. This creates a “me”- mind frame and can feel like your partner is against you. Therefore, you are indirectly signing off of the relationship and the constant adjustments and attention needed to continue to grow as a couple.

There have been situations where one of the partners goes into treatment to appease their partner. Which in turn is not always beneficial because the priority becomes the partner versus their own healing process. When you or your partner are in treatment think about how the healing process is influencing the relationship as a unit.

Bottom line:

Think about how the healing process is influencing the relationship as a unit, whether you are in treatment, your partner is in treatment or you both are on your healing journeys.